As far as I can remember lists have always given me anxiety
but i just can’t stop making them.
Every part of me strives towards an organized, minimalistic and classic take on life, in which everything is neatly stashed, programmed and jotted down to liberate myself from the weight of having to carry them around in my mind.
In a perfect world I’d be the queen of bullet points and organization, of making plans and follow them through; but where my OCD would make me the perfect organizer, my anxiety and depression sees me slacking around and never really get through any plans I make. At least not without serious tricks on my part.
If I have to be completely honest, the fact that I have carried on and practically almost entirely committed for a meal plan this past week and I’m actually looking forward to this coming one is a big sign of how well I’ve been doing lately ( Sometimes your own progress are the most difficult to see ). Usually I’m quite used to this two parts of me being at war with each other, by now I kind of know how to work around them and their fights and I know that If I stick with something long enough for it to become a habit, I’ll be fine. The trick is into make my brain think that what I’m doing is fun and not an assignment.
That said, you also have to pick your fights: trial and error will tell you what works for you and, apparently – as i recently discovered, monthly TBR lists are not for me.
It’s now the 22 of October and I have yet to touch any of the books I had said I would in one of my previous posts. I think I’ve read four chapters of one and then DNF it. The book has nothing wrong, It’s just me! The idea of ” having to read ” something… well, I guess it feels too much as an assignment and my brain kind of rebels to it which is fine.
Sometimes bookstagram and the people around you makes you forget that reading is supposed to be fun, reading is an escape into a different world ( well, several ) and it should never have to be a task, it should never make you feel guilty, nor because you don’t read as many books, nor because you don’t read books themed with the season or the ones that everyone is loving. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath and decide what you are in the mood for. What if that something you fancy reading is nowhere to be seen in the list you’ve made? well, maybe the list will still be usefull and manage to inspire someone else that didn’t know what book to pick next! You don’t owe anything to anybody, you haven’t failed, you are entitled not to be in the mood for something against all premises, you are allowed to enjoy different things each day! It’s your time and there is no shame in any way you decide to use it.
All around us everyone seems focusing on how many books they read, on promoting readathon, book clubs, and fancy big titles, but what you don’t see nearly enough is people just putting books down and say “I DNF! There is nothing wrong with this book, it’s actually really good but it’s just not the right one for the mental place I’m in right now and that’s fine!”
So, guys, don’t force yourself. Wait for that hype to come down, wait for that right moment for you to be in the right head space, wait to finish that book you are more tempted to read and so on. It’s ok, it’s valid and I hope you will enjoy your next read, guilt-free.