This past April saw me deciding to close my 5000+ Instagram profile and the old blog that I kept on trying to open without any success or motivation and decide to start clean. My old blog was clean, blue toned, strictly lifestyle and totally not me. I was trying so hard to be a person that I wasn’t, to emulate bloggers and Instagrammers that I admired and to be a person that I would look up to but that was not the one I naturally felt. Let’s be clear, I wasn’t trying to copy anybody, I was just trying to be what I thought would be a better person of myself, a more aesthetically pleasing, event-goer, fabulous-life-owning version of myself. I was miserable. I hated every single content I created because it felt forced, it felt crafted and unreal; getting out of the house and feign joy was a struggle, finding things to do and documenting them was energy, money and consuming, and unworthy! As a result, I was extremely miserable; my engagement was non-existent and I was incoherent at best with my content. Until one day I got some stuff for free, an opportunity, no strings attached, nothing asked, just because. I knew my follower count had something to do with it, it couldn’t have been, and I felt awful. I went ahead, I had an amazing experience, but throughout the afternoon I couldn’t rid of the feeling of being a fraud. I knew that those people had followed me for a reason, I just didn’t know which reason was it, as my engagement was absolutely non-existent! My post would reach a maximum of 30 people and I would get less than 10 likes and practically no comment! The worst part is that I would talk to anybody! It was not a community, I was lonely and disenchanted, I felt that I couldn’t relate to other Instagrammers as I was not genuine enough, not me and so not worth knowing. I needed an out, a clean cut, a last try out before giving up completely for myself and my mental health.
When I decided to actually my new Instagram was almost march ( You won’t find the very first images as I deleted them), I still had not a clue what to do with this new account. I called it “quitechaotics” since I wanted to connect it to a blog and I didn’t want to use my name for it. It was a name that I loved but didn’t really say anything about me or what topic I would touch! Which was fair since I had no clue of it myself! I needed something to make this account work for myself, to make it a positive and creative outlet but I was so lost…
What saved me and opened my eyes was the account that I decided to upcycle for this new venture.
A couple of years ago for a couple of months I owned a bookstagram, It was full-on and I was definitely not committed to it; It felt exactly like the other account, I felt like I needed to show always different books and I wasn’t really reading, I was obsessed with my follower count and it would stress me out. After I closed it that account was left to die and when I pick it up again had only a couple of inactive followers left to it. what was active tho were the numerous bookstagrammer that I was following. Look, I know I made all this problems for myself, but I never tend to take the easy way out and sometimes knowing yourself is the hardest part, so when one day I sat in front of my laptop and told myself that it was ok not to put a label on my Instagram or my blog, that I could post exclusively what I liked, that I could be a lifestyle blog when my life was cool enough, that I could be a bookstagrammer when I have months in which I just work and then come back home to put myself into bed and read all night, that I could be a plus size fashion blogger when I felt cute and self assured enough to take a picture of myself in a nice dress, that I could just be me and let it shine because if people don’t like me for who I am is their problem, if I don’t like myself for the version I’m giving others that would be my problem; I felt amazing! I was free! I was posting pictures of books as well as anything else I liked, I was full of creativity but most of all I was engaging with fellow Instagrammers and making friends, I was sharing my blog with IRL friends and colleagues and finally feeling good about it.
I changed my URL in books and curves, which was also the best decision ever, but this changing process, the being yourself act was not an easy one. It took time, it throws me in one of the biggest slumps ever, I’m not good with changes and when I have no clue what to do next is terrifying! But around October I found out that again, it is important to myself and myself only! I pushed through the anxiety, knowing it would be worthy for myself, knowing that It would work out and I found my voice. Once that something clicked in my mind I was open and the world was just there to grab. I could now be myself because I now knew myself. I knew that I could be the sassy writer, the one that is honest and incredibly raw and open, I could be the unapologetic feminist, the finger-snapping unashamed supporter of free will, I could open up and even if nobody would read what I was writing or like the pictures I was taking I have the certainty that I’m doing myself a favour. My mental health has improved so much throughout the end of this year and I solely attribute it to having found back my voice online and recognising my instagram and my blog for the creative outlet they are. They are not an accessory I put on, they are a reflection of myself and for that I’m grateful.
A few months ago someone watching my Instagram feed told me that it was very… ” saturated” at first I took offence to it – clean cut and classy accounts being still the emblem of perfection in my mind – then I realised that my instagram was just a reflection of myself! My account is too loud, too messy and too colourful, and I’m more than ok with it! My life might still not be glamorous, I might still not have bookshelves, I’m definitely not Hygge and absolutely not perfect. But I’ll humbly walk into 2019 knowing myself a bit more and looking forward to exploring my creative side and anything that this new year has in store for me.
So here’s to 2018! And to a saturated 2019
Happy New Year
